I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
