i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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