we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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