i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
