What a fucking waste of an outfit
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
