i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
