Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
