Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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