she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
