i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
3pm strippers are depressing
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
