He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
