I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
