You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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