Your mouth is God's brothel.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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