That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
