Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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