Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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