she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
