Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
