Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
