Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
this just has baby written all over it
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
