Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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