Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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