You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
