My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You are a genius and a whore.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
