he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I checked into jail on foursquare
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
