what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
