Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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