I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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