If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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