I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
