Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
