yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Randomize
