She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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