This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
