The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
