Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
