Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
