Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
