words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
