if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
