No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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