I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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