WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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