Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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