you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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