i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
