The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
