I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
