We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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