Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
