I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
